“From six up, I used to kiss other guys in my neighborhood, make out with them, and perform oral sex on them. I liked it. I used to love oral. And I touched their you-know-whats. We were really young, but that’s what we did.“
Page 55:
“There was this girl in my elementary school in the fifth grade. All the boys were crazy about her. She was the it girl. She already had big boobs, a small waist, and a big butt. She was my ideal girl. I wanted to look like her. I wanted the attention from boys. She was tall. Her name was Christina. At that time I thought that if I was a girl, my name would be Christina. My mom hates that name”
Page 83:
“When I had testosterone in my body, I was a very horny boy. Before I went on hormones, I was able to get an erection and maintain one. Whenever I saw a boy I liked in the hallway or in gym class — the locker room is the best place to get my eyes on flesh — I’d get it. I think that’s why a lot of gay people like to have sex. They’re both men, they both have a lot of testosterone. It’s kind of a manly thing.
The estrogen slowed down my sex drive. It’s not that I had no sex drive; I have it once in a blue moon. My boyfriend feels like I’m not attracted to him. Of course I’m attracted to him. I just don’t have the want or the need or the urge for sex all the time.
There are certain things that turn me on, but most of the time I don’t want to have sex. I always wanted foreplay and romantic attention. My boyfriend was never the foreplay, romantic type. He just wanted to get right to it. What are you gonna do?”
Page 92:
“Women at a very early age are taught not to be hos, not to let anybody touch them, not to let anyone disrespect them. Well, I don’t know anything about that ’cause I wasn’t raised a girl. As far as exposing my body, I wasn’t really taught not to do that.
I’m learning to be female. A lot of times trans women dress very sexy to get attention from men. If a man hits on them, says how beautiful they are, in their minds they look passable.
I do it too. I dress sexy. I used to be borderline ho. But that’s not what most women do, ’cause women are comfortable with themselves; they know that they’re women. But a trans woman, me, is trying to convince herself by showing skin and being sexy.
I wanted to experience being a girl and falling in love. None of my transgender friends have boyfriends. There’s one girl who made a video saying that no man is ever going to take a trans girl serious. That’s what I feel. He’s going to want to have sex with a trans girl, to see what it’s like, but at the end of the day“, he’s going to put the ring on the genetic female.
Whenever my transgender friends get a boyfriend, I say, “I give it one month, or two.” When a man finds out you’re trans, his respect for you goes down. If a man meets me as a woman, he’s very nice, gentle, opens the door for me, and doesn’t talk about sex. As soon as he finds out I’m trans, he starts talking about sex. It’s frustrating because he’s not treating me like a woman anymore. It makes me less a woman.”
All of Pages 93-95
Page 110:
“When I was four or five, I wore girl clothes. My grandmother took a lot of heat for it. It wasn’t her fault. It was my way of expressing who I was, because that’s who I thought I was.
Around the time I turned five, some guy on the street said, “Yo! You’re not supposed to be wearing those clothes.”
“Why not?” I always got defensive about this ’cause everyone was always telling me this.
“Because you have a dick.”
“What’s a dick?” I didn’t know what that was.
“Boys have dicks and girls have pussies.”
“Well, what’s a pussy?”
“A vagina.”
“Bagina?” I didn’t even know how to say the word.
“No. Vuhgina.”
“Oh, okay.”
Then he said, “So you’re not a girl. You have dick.”
“Well, what is a dick?”
“That thing that you have between your legs.”
And I’m, like, “I thought everybody has that.”
Page 115:
“There was this girl there. I thought about that guy in my neighborhood telling me that girls have vaginas. I looked at her and thought, This must be a girl. So I went up to her and told her I liked her and she said she liked me. We started kissing. I picked up her skirt and looked in her underwear. “Where’s your dick?”
“What’s a dick?”
“You don’t have what I have.”
“Well, what do I have?”
And I put my hand down there and felt this little hole-kind-of-thing. I got really scared and ran away. At the time, I thought girls must have had their dicks cut off. That’s what makes them a girl.
I was so scared, I didn’t know what to do. I sure didn’t hang around her no more. Then one day, when I was with my mother or my grandmother or maybe it was the social worker — I don’t remember — I said, ‘I want to have my dick cut off, because I want to be a girl.’”
Page 117:
“I was sexually mature. What I mean by sexually mature is that I knew about sex. From six up, I used to kiss other guys in my neighborhood, make out with them, and perform oral sex on them. I liked it. I used to love oral. And I touched their you-know-whats. We were really young, but that’s what we did.
I was making out with girls too. I used to love making out with girls ’cause everybody thought I was cool. Everybody was encouraging me. “Look, Frank’s not gay — he’s making out with a girl!” They wanted to know how the hell I learned to kiss like that. I didn’t know how I learned. It was pretty weird.
Guys used to hit on me — perverts — pedophiles. I’d see guys giving me a look, and it kinda creeped me out. They would touch themselves, saying, “Come here, sweetie.” Something told me not to go. I ran away. I ran to where there was a lot of people.”
Page 125
“This guy got me to perform oral sex on him. I thought I was doing the right thing by performing on him. But I wasn’t. He was just abusing me. He had total mind control over me. He didn’t have to get physical with me; he just knew where to hit me where it hurts emotionally.
We finally got caught in the act, and I was very happy because I wanted it to stop. I think the directors were worried that they could get sued because they kept telling me it was consensual. It wasn’t consensual at all. But I just wanted it to end. I wanted them to stop talking about it, so I agreed.
Afterward, that guy told everybody on campus about us, and they all thought I was this big old homo. Other kids tried to have sex with me. Other kids wanted to abuse me. I was so confused. I was mad at myself, slow because of the medication, and I didn’t know what to do.”
Page 131:
“I think it must be difficult for trans men who like guys. Most gay guys don’t like vaginas. Have you ever seen an enlarged clitoris? It looks a little like a little penis. Most of the time gay guys aren’t interested in that.”
Page 185:
“Everything was getting really sexual in high school. Kids were saying, “Oh, having sex is great. I feel like having sex.” And I’m, like, I don’t feel anything. I was attracted to some people but not to the point where I would want to go to bed with them. Sex is still not high on my list.
Not only did the talk become sexual, but also girls were dressing in more revealing clothes. Even the guys tried to reveal more of their bodies. And I became more and more uncomfortable. I thought of myself as a mix of feminine and masculine, leaning more toward the masculine side. I said to myself, I think of myself as a guy. But I don’t identify as a boy completely. So how in the world can I explain this? It was confusing. It was confusing to say I’m neither gender.”
